My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Everyone says I win the strip club
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
