twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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