also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
