I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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