We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
