I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Randomize
