Sorry, I don't speak sober.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize