Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
