She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
