I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
