and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
