fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
