I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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