yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
