Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Help. Why am I so naked?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
