He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
