pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
