Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
