I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
