Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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