Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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