I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Ladies don't puke and tell
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
