from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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