Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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