I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
