I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
