I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I stole a fireplace last night.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So much rum. So many feels.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Randomize
