I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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