Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
