I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
you made out with another girl for some wings
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
