I only kidnapped one of them. chill
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
