I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
