u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
