woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
