happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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