I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
