i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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