There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
