I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
