Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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