watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
