I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Who died my cat blue again?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
