can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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