Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
