I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Well I just put wine in my tea
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
