she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
