so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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