her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
