I wish I could punch you in the face.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
