i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
