I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
