Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Randomize
