I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
